Mama, I’m Comin’ Hoooome

Sitting on the second of three ridiculously long flights today, I have a couple secs to review some choice moments of the last 2 months. I’ll begin with the most recent.

I flew out of Manila this morning en route to Tokyo. Rollin into the airport around 7 AM, I go through the first security check to enter the actual terminal, only to go through security again after check-in, and then ONCE AGAIN at my gate before I finally board the plane. Three times seems a little excessive, no?

Perhaps more disconcerting is that you KNOW it’s only a matter of time before US airports get word of this and feel the need to up the ante. Before we know it we’ll be forced to strip naked and surrender urine, saliva and blood samples to brave the gauntlet of no less than five security checks before boarding a plane. F. Word.

Then again, maybe I shouldn’t speak so soon since at the airport in Bali, this old dude is getting held up at security and they make him go through his bag… First item out? A switchblade. No big deal. The guy seemed pretty amused to boot and/or was in late stages of dementia. Oh what? I can’t bring this on here? Another time in France, another old man was being held up all confused-like and from his carry-on they pull literally 3 bottles of wine. Right after he finished saying he had no liquids in a Ziploc. So close. Those were juuuust over 100 ml buddy.

Anyway, I get through everything unscathed and realize I have like 150 Philippine pesos left, aka about $3. So naturally I figure I might as well buy something and rid myself of otherwise useless cash. Little did I know I was embarking on an impossible task. I look around duty free but obviously ain’t affording no perfume or Gucci shades for 3 bucks so I try to settle for what I really wanted anyway – decent chocolate to eat later in the day (let me just say - Asia, your food is so tasty but your chocolate just sucks).

So I’m perusing the Lindt, Ferrero Rocher and the like but of course it’s all too rich for my blood, err, wallet. I spot a bag of peanut M&Ms and I’m saved, or so I think… I kid not when I say the M&Ms were priced at $8.30. And yes, the price was in US dollars just to drive the gravity of the situation instantly home. EIGHT dollars for peanuts and chocolate blanketed in a tantalizing candy shell! How do these people sleep at night?! Those M&Ms better have been coated in pure gold otherwise I don’t even know how that store pretends to sell anything.

Reluctantly, I finally resigned myself to the fact that no chocolate will be had (decent or otherwise) since I think the airport shop owners conspired to do everything in their power to make it impossible to buy anything besides Ramen noodles for less than $6. Brutal. After searching fruitlessly for a few more minutes through bags of dried pineapple and durian candies (that stinky fruit that I can’t imagine WHO wants immortalized in taffy form), I shuffle to my gate.

Minutes later, I somehow find myself standing in a ridiculously cold air conditioned airport licking an ice cream cone topped with 2 scoops of chocolate & mango ice cream. At 7:30 A.M. What the. How did I come to this? So desperate to spend $3 on something, ANYTHING… it was another instance where I realized I need to think about making some changes in my life…

Anyway I got to Japan for the first of many layovers in Tokyo. I’ll make this short but I know the Japanese are famous worldwide for their technology and this is no more true than when it comes to their toilets. They can sing, blow bubbles and read your kids a bedtime story before you empty your bladder. I just have to ask though - are there more dirty bums here or do the Japanese just really love the bidet? They are everywhere! In every public toilet! Why?! No further questions on that.

Tokyo is also an interesting airport cause if what I was told is true, apparently no major intercom system is in place to call people airport-wide to their gate. As a result they have these genteel Japanese airport people constantly walking around looking for passengers. Case in point - as I type this a small gray haired man just walked by calling final boarding for KLM passengers going to ‘Minneaporis’. Aah Engrish.

Speaking of funny Engrish, the Philippines seemed by far the most Westernized of all the SE Asian countries I visited (I get why, due to US imperialism in the country and whatnot) but even their impeccable English was not immune to funny signs… For example:

Finally. Finally!

They sure didn’t waste anytime there. It drove the Bush grill out of – ah, nevermind.

Aaand my personal favourite:

Ahahaha. I thought some of our shirts with mistranslated Chinese characters were funny but we got NOTHIN on this. Was it some sort of conference? At any rate, somebody really needs to let dude know… you cannot just walk around wearing that.

I’m sad I only got to spend like 5 days in Philippines, most of which was in Boracay aka tourist island paradise but managed to do something cultural besides get my tan on and saw a cockfight (note: word choice will be watched carefully in this paragraph…). Before PETA looks me up and stabs me in the sleep, let me at least say it’s legal in the Philippines. And the fights would’ve happened if I was there or not. That’s all I got.

Ironically, I had just watched the ‘The Little Jerry” episode of Seinfeld literally the day before so I was primed and ready for what I had once thought was a humane, dignified sport. Just kidding, I never thought it was humane but all I kept thinking the whole time was lines from the show.

It was kind of an interesting experience and a lot less gory than I expected. Basically it’s just a ball of feathers and roosters jumping over/at each other and then it’s done with one laying on the ground. Apparently it takes more than a day to see what’s actually going on with their foot razor things.

All told, people watching was a lot more interesting. Apparently normally women aren’t allowed in so me and this other girl from my hostel were like 2 of 5 girls in the whole place while the rest was men going bananas betting on the birds. The point right before the fight starts is the best cause the whole place just erupts with dudes yelling the same word over and over and gesturing wildly. Somehow this supposedly works out to a semi-effective betting system.

I was pullin’ for Chan-Chan and Jr. Tulubhan. Don’t ask me which birds they were.

So at it stands, I’m on a plane bound for Seattle and eventually I’ll land in E-town whereupon I will proceed to promptly die on arrival. Apparently it was –42 CELCIUS (people keep not believing me when I say that) there the day before yesterday. THE HUMANITY!!!!!!!!!!! I could go on with the exclamation marks. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Once again, I’m reminded why I haven’t lived in Canada through the winter in 5+ years. My worst nightmares have come true. Asia’s been good to me so at least I can say I died happy. The one bright spot is I get to see my German again. Shout out to him. I’ma go take a nap.

Merry Christmas kids.