Wednesday, April 08, 2009

1 Year Older & Wiser Too

Double word score to whoever knows what song that's from.

So contrary to whatever it says down on that timestamp up there, it's April 8th in my part of the world and I just realized upon perusing the archives, today marks 1 year of blog delightfulness here. I never thought I'd make it since I've asked myself daily since then why I felt the need to contribute to the blog noise that abounds on the internet today... but needless to say, it's a big moment. In a word, this is dope.

Since I don't have much to say (that hasn't already been said) to recap a year in the life, I've come to the conclusion that my life in in the past 365 days can be summarized by these simple words of wisdom: Always moving. Sometimes backwards.

Also, I'd like to thank any and all y'all that may be still reading this. You make this life worth documenting. Comment and let a kid know you exist if there is, in fact, anybody out there. It doesn't matter if I know you. I won't even be mad.
Also, shout out to my mom. I know you're reading this Helen and I know you still don't know how to comment. Hold tight, I'll teach you that, along with adding pictures on Facebook, next time I come home. Mad love from across the Atlantic.

Finally, if anyone is looking to send some congratulatory gifts my way, please consider this fine piece of art. It's only $20, and after all, what's not to love...
This Marc Johns cat knows what's up.

English 101

While walking the streets of A-town, I've noticed a trend amongst French street hecklers. And before I get started, heckling probably isn't even the right term... I guess they tend to holla more... but "hollaers" doesn't really work as a word so bear with me.

So I was saying. Trends in street holla-ing. In my experience, cat calling in the streets of North America is generally reserved for those
1) under the influence and/or under age 17, or
2) construction workers.
As a general rule, you just don't see a lot of yelling being done by folks outside that demographic.

Also, those conditions together = recipe for disaster.

That said, I gotta say that those rules in no way apply over here. Once they somehow deduce you are foreign, French people of all ages and occupations get their holla on. This is mildly amusing/annoying depending on what day it is and how much sleep I've had, but what I find more curious is that what is yelled always takes one of two forms. Always. Without exception, it's either:

1) I love you
or
2) Eff you

Well alrighty then. These people are expressing either extreme adoration or extreme hate while speaking English at me, and I guess I can appreciate that. Props for covering all your bases France. And "at" was the proper word choice there because neither line is ever a segway for more "conversation"/holla-ing due to the fact that the guilty party never speaks more English than that. All I'm saying is - while I'm told that yelling obscenities can be cathartic, it sends a mixed message when done while smiling.

I'm not sure who's teaching these people their language skills but they need to get the class to brush up on chapter 8 - Street Etiquette. If you have one chance to impress a foreigner - one thing you can yell at someone passing by that you'll probably never see ever again - how about something else? I like your blouse? Which was to the train station? Heck, I'll take an unprovoked "I don't understand" if you really feel like you need to yell something, but trust me son, you don't know me well enough to love me or hate me.

These ladies express my sentiments best... If you haven't listened to TLC's 'No Scrubs' lately, go do yourself a solid favour and give 'er a listen. You'll thank me later.

Also, note to the 3 dudes that yelled at The American and I downtown last week: it doesn't help your cause when you ride by, practically piled on top of each other, sharing a scooter. S-c-o-o-t-e-r. Any and all street cred was lost the minute you decided to break dude law #42 and get that close to one another for any extended period of time. Nobody is impressed. Very amused, yes, but impressed, no.
That's all.

Friday, April 03, 2009

Have We Met? No Wait, I don’t Think So

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It’s been a bit of a crazy week in the life, mostly due to my own retardedness. In the interest of not airing my dirty laundry on the innanets, and because I’m more than very against emo-blog nonsense, I’ll put the feelings aside and share something of the more entertaining events of late…

Let me start by saying that the whole French business of kisses and bisou-ing can make mistaking a stranger for someone you think you know an even more awkward experience than it already is…

For example, let’s paint a hypothetical picture.

Say you have a game at home last Saturday night. Let’s also say you borrowed a guitar from one of the team supporters at the beginning of the season. Upon picking up said gat back in September, you and The American met his teenage son. This son has quite a distinct look and very piercing blue eyes so overall he isn’t someone you think you’d mistake for someone else anytime soon…

Fast-forwarding back to last week, you are talking to some people after the game and mingling with the locals, if you will. You see son-of-guitar-man standing a few feet away, seemingly looking expectantly in your and The American’s direction, so you smile and wave all friendly-like. A few minutes later, he’s still standing there with his buddies, still looking in your direction so you figure you should probably go actually say hi but don’t want to go alone. You go grab The American from the locker room and proceed to stroll on up to guitar son to give him bisous and wave to his friends (these details become important later…).

Guitar son seems a little confused and asks if you were waiting for him to which you say, “umm, not really…? Weren’t you waiting for us?”. He says yes and you explain that The American would say more but she still doesn’t speak much French since you saw her last. You exchange a few more pleasantries about the match before he asks, in parting, if you’re going out that night and maybe you’ll see each other later.

Nice to see him, you think, and look how nice and friendly we are, saying hello and such.

Writing like that is getting annoying.

A few days later, The American and I are added on Facebook by a kid that looks like guitar son but has another name. I figure he must just be rollin’ with a fake name, especially because his last name is clearly not a real French one. I accept his friend request and he says hi on chat, asks how our week is going, etc. He says he was pretty surprised we came up to him but pleasantly so. He asks if we “usually do that” and I was like, yeah sure, we’re nice like that…? (What is this kid talking about…?). He says he was actually waiting for his gym teacher that was standing behind us but it was nice to say hi. The conversation continues like this and little by little, I become more and more horrified. I slowly begin to realize that this kid is NOT who we thought he was. This is not guitar son but some rando high school kid that thought it’s his lucky week… Snaaaaap. So let’s go back and review the details from his perspective…

You go to a volleyball game with some friends. After, you’re on the court, patiently waiting for your teacher to roll out. Out of nowhere, one of the players smile and waves in your (and only your) direction. A few minutes later, she rolls up with one of the other team members and gives you (and once again, only you) bisous and chat with ya while your friends look on, thinking, wow what a baller. Later they both add you on facebook and talk to you like they know you. Secretely, THEY THINK YOU’RE SOMEONE ELSE but can’t tell you now, like a week later

So wow. Not only did I think you were someone else but only in this country of unnecessary kissing and such, would it be taken to this level of awkwardness. Note to self, make sure you know who people are before you accidentally make their day… Oh man, the awkwardness.

Always moving. Sometimes backwards.

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And this goes without saying, but I reeeeally hope we don’t see the kid this weekend or the charade has to continue…