Adventures In Online Stalking, Vol. 1

So while engaging in another one of my favourite late night sleep-wasting activities - looking at people's photos on Facebook - I came to notice some very (insert adjective of choice) trends among the hundreds of albums I'm ashamed to admit I've perused since the advent of the site.



Now before continuing, I felt I needed to compose some sort of short disclaimer:

I am aware that after reading this post, those of you that are friends with me on said website will now probably go back and scrupulously pore over the photos I've posted in the 3 glorious years since I joined the Book of Faces. So, just in case anyone is wondering if I am putting myself on some sort of pedestal in writing this, please please know - I AM. Just kidding. Actually, what you will likely find is that I'm guilty of probably at least most of these crimes and that's what makes this list that much funnier to me. Further, like I've said before, this blog is probably at least 50% for my own entertainment (again, joking. Ok, maybe not entirely...). So if you find a picture(s) that indict me, comment away! It'll make it easier for me to find the incriminating pictures so I can be sure to un-tag myself...

I like to call this The 10 Commandments of Effective Facebook Albums (yes, it needs work... and there aren't 10):

#1. The Self-Portrait/Photoshoot Album
This album can often be pretty easily identified by the title, which is usually something along the lines of either "bored", "moi photoshoot" or "another rainy tuesday in october". It basically consists of the subject taking a minimum of 15, and sometimes up to 70, self-pictures in different poses. The repertoire usually includes, but is not limited to: their best smile (x3), the provocative stare, the pensive thinker, the artsy shot, the sexy/kissy face, and the suburban gangster. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm all for the self-shot in SOME circumstances. Because I have ridiculously disproportioned arms, I often get called on to put these go-go-gadget-limbs to use to take pictures of me and a group of friends when nobody else will do it for us.
However, the key difference here is the presence of others. I'm even for a self-shot sprinkled in here and there with normal pictures, but PLEASE people, an entire album of your solo Zoolander impressions isn't fooling anyone... Your "boredom" didn't just create a 67-pictures-long ode to your face on its own...


#2 - The Never Ending Album
This album is instantly recognizable when you realize you just opened a barrel of monkeys that could take several hours to look at. (What does that mean? Even I don't know...) This type of album always contains something like 3248 photos and includes multiple shots that appear to be identical. However, on closer inspection it becomes clear, that YES, that dolphin you're swimming with has successively swum 3 feet further between pictures 3 and 9... And don't think it wasn't imperative to include each and every one of little cousin Rusty's Christmas expressions. While pictures of the surprise that he got a GI joe, the elation that there is silly putty in his stocking, the anger that he has to wait in line for the next present, and finally the crying from too much Christmas sugar IS very cute, 11 detailed shots of each emotion miiiight not be necessary. Then again, maybe that's just me.

Note: this commandment doesn't apply if the subject of the never ending album is YOUR granddaughter/nephew (not that I'm biased). In that case, more is never enough.

Moving right along, the Never Ending Album is also often a key characteristic of...

#3 - History-of-My-Last-2-Years Album
Actually, this type of album can often be a pleasant surprise when it's created by a good friend you haven't heard from for a while. You'd been wondering what they're up to and this album can serve as a quick overview of missed time. However, this doesn't change the fact that this album is often difficult to follow and can leave you quite confused as to the space/time order of shots posted. It can also have you wondering if it's actually the same person in all the pictures. This confusion is only exacerbated by the fact that there are usually no captions, so you're left to fill in the blanks entirely on your own. This can also sometimes make for quite a comical run-through, as you might make some surprising discoveries while perusing this album. Discoveries such as, since you heard from her last, your friend has married and moved to rural Saskatchewan to pursue her dream of becoming a pro bass fisherman... Guess you weren't as close as you thought.

#4 - "Come and See How Good I Look" Album
At first glance, this album might seem identical to the self-portrait album, but this isn't the case. The two albums often bear a ressemblance but a key difference is the Come and See How Good I Look album shows the subject with other people and in many diverse settings. This album is often multi-themed has no real common thread besides having the same ONE person look good in many otherwise horrid pictures. Now, let me be the first to say, I am VERY guilty of this one. I won't deny it, but I figure that if I'm posting pictures for the world to see, it's my discretion to put the ones up where I don't look totally snaggletoothed.
It becomes a Come and See How Good I Look album when it becomes glaringly obvious that you chose the pictures where you always look best, with a patent disregard for everyone else in the photo. Nobody is spared. A turned back, food in the teeth, eyes closed, or just otherwise embarassing facial expressions means nothing as long and the person posting the photos looks great. This is especially funny when that person isn't even close to being the main subject/focal point of the picture but somehow finds a way to tag themselves and draw attention to their fabulousness anyway.

Also, this type of album always contains a photo of the person in fabulous sunglasses looking glam.

This brings us to our second-to-last album...

#5 - When the Pimp's in The Club/Look-How-Many-Friends-I-Have Album
Let's start this one out by saying college students are especially guilty of this one. This is an album, or just many MANY individual photos strewn about Facebook, of them (and their girls/boys) at the bar. This is one album I can smugly say I'm not guilty of, but it's an album I definitely see more than any other. For some reason, essentially the same picture taken of you in a different outfit and with different acquaintances on 363 different nights is still supposed to be worthy of posting.
I'm just gonna go out and say it: You members of Greek Life aren't fooling anyone. Nobody has that many friends and you're certainly not friends if you only have 1 picture of them from the Delta Sig Winter Formal last semester. The pictures usually get more and more ridiculous/scandalous/confusing as the album progresses as the person and their crew get more and more debauched. Always a delight. Once posted, this album is also usually flooded with comments such as "OMG that was the best time ever!" and "Umm, I HATE you for looking so cute in that Juicy dress".

Finally, I didn't feel it fair to leave our older Facebook friends out of this list. I've recently noticed a trend of middle-aged (read: OLD) people joining the beloved site in droves. (The day my mom joined, I knew it was the dawning of a new era). For the most part, their photo albums do not follow the above rules but I didn't want them to be left out. So here comes the 6th and final tenet of The 10 Commandments of Effective Facebook Albums....

#6 - Anyone But Me Album
Strangely, the self-obsession that tragically traps so many in their youth seems to completely reverse with age. Old people's albums tend to be sparse, at best containing as many as 9 pictures but usually something like 4. (Then again, I don't hold this against them as they've only just learn to harness the power of technology and use the "world wide web"). These are mostly pictures of their children/yard/dog/parakeet (in that order) but you might be lucky and stumble on a gem or two where said old person is actually in the photo. Curiously, they will be visible from only the neck up and the picture will have a familiar aged, grainy quality due to the fact that it was actually taken in 1992.

Note: My mother is the exception to this. She unabashedly posts more ridiculous photos than anyone I know:

She provides enough content for an entire blog of her own. Love ya Helen.

So there it is. I'd try to think of a better way to end this but I'm tired. That and I've got some great pictures of myself I've got to get posted. Trying to wittle down my collection to follow all the rules of the above protocol from now on is gonna be tough... I already know my suburban gangster look needs some work.