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I got to Bangkok last Wednesday to meet up with my sister Sarah, thus putting an end to Chapter 1 of the trip – Vietnam and Cambodia – and my solo status, for a couple weeks at least. SHE’S SO LUCKY TO GET TO ROLL WITH SUCH A COOL GIRL!!!!!!
Wow Sarah, thanks for that.
I had heard mixed things about Bangkok - mostly bad - so I didn’t have the highest of expectations. We were stayin on Khao San Road aka backpacker centrale and it was a little bit of a gong show. Kinda like a Thai Vegas strip with tourists galore and Westerners generally acting a fool. Had some good street Pad Thai so I guess it was redeemed in that respect…
Still, I had to restrain myself more than once from hitting smug old dirtbags rollin’ around with young Thai girls, acting like they gamed hard to get her and earned it or something. OBVIOUSLY YOU’RE TOO MUCH OF A LOSER IN YOUR OWN COUNTRY, thus, take your douchebaggery abroad? At least don’t moonlight like you’re a real couple or something ridiculous like that, with the hand holding and pretend conversations when neither of you speak the same language and such... she ain’t with you for your rugged good looks OR personality, son.
Anyway.
Serenity now.
Moving on.
So we spent all of one day in BKK before we had to get the eff out. I have to agree with whatever I’d heard about people not being fans of the place. From what I saw – obviously not much – it’s just massive and felt sort of sterile compared to Phnom Penh or Saigon. Yeah, they’re all dirty and chaotic but at least the other cities of somewhat comparable size had some weird charm underneath the insanity. Seemed like that was pretty much MIA in Bangkok. Also, EVERYONE tries to make money off you, which happens elsewhere but nowhere near as bad. Nobody can be friendly without trying to take you somewhere, sell you something, or tell you about a ping pong show… Those who’ve been know what I mean.
So we blew that giant popsicle stand and flew to Chiang Mai in northern Thailand. I’d heard good things from just about everyone that’s been there so hopes were high since Thailand was losing the race for sweetness after the intro in Bangtown.
The cab ride to the airport was actually the high point of the city. We had this hilarious taxi driver called ‘Papa Sawat’ who had the most hilarious accent and laugh. Holy catfish, that man loved life. He also enlightened us on his views on ladyboys aka the men that dress up as ladies EVERYWHERE here (which I later got asked in the south if I WAS ONE?!), and tried to teach us a children’s song about elephants in Thai… that was something of a disaster and tried is the operative word there. Not only is my mouth incapable of making those sounds, but there doesn’t seem to be any kind of a distinguishable melody after the first line… Don’t believe me, see below. (If you're reading this on Facebook, you might have to go to the actual blog to see the video... the link to the blog is somewhere on this page).
At any rate, we got the first and last lines down money so we used it to impress locals for the rest of the trip. We were getting it down pretty good; at one point actually considered putting a pointy Asian hat out upside down on the street corner to sing and earn an honest buck... I mean Baht. So cool right now.
Anyway, we got to Chiang Mai and lived in style for a couple days for a solid $2.50 a night so the place already started out on the right foot. Shoutout to the Little Bird Guesthouse heyo.
First night in CM we did a cooking course which was rad besides this one ridiculous German couple in our group. The cutest girl teaching was possibly the smiliest individual I’ve ever met and you’d think teaching foreigners how to butcher Thai cuisine was the most fulfilling job on earth. Fortunately, we all did good and the food was bangin’. For one night at least. Too bad once we try to repeat that operation while not under her watchful tutelage we’re all toast.
There were some cool people in our group besides zee Germans though and the highlight came in the form of this Swedish couple who spoke spotty English at best so following heavily accented instructions was just NOT happenin for them. This resulted in a sort of culinary free-for-all where they just followed whoever was next to them… which worked out fine until you remember that we were all cooking different dishes. Also, all their ‘cooking’ was always done on full-blast heat… The husband for SURE accidentally threw in a few extra “special” ingredients into more than one of his dishes, especially the coconut soup.
The meal was not potluck for a reason.
Check the slick butcher aprons…
Next day was the highlight of the trip to Thailand so far (yeah it had 2 other days to compete with… back up off me). We got up at dawn, aka 8 a.m, to go elephant riding, trekking through the jungle and river rafting on both a rubber and bamboo raft. YEAH. BOY.
The elephants were amazing but somehow we got put on the smallest of the herd (gaggle? troupe? pride?) so I had to feel a little sorry for the beast. After we saw a baby one, chillin next to its parentals and had to go feed him some bananas. It was all fun and games til the mom wanted some lovin’ too and started using me as a personal punching bag til threw some fruit her way too. I still have trunk-whip wounds.
K, that might be a little excessive, but I did get hit a number of times. Good thing elephants move so slow I could dodge her nasty left hook with ease. Rumble in the Jungle vol. 2, WHAT UP.
The jungle trek was fun mostly cause Sarah and the Chinese guy in our crew decided to do it in flip flops and this turned out to be a laughably bad call. We’re hurtling through forest at a rapid pace, limbo-ing under trees, braving raging rivers on precarious bamboo “bridges”… all the while yelling ‘JUNGY!’ every 3 seconds to remember where we are and show the generic French cornflakes of our youth some love. Heids and Dad, I hear your voice every time I say it.
Got to the top, swam in a waterfall, came back.
On the way down the mountain through the morning mists, we see some livestock of the bovine persuasion peacefully grazing on the tender greens of the Thai lowlands, as they were. We slinked comfortably close to them as we passed by on the old bamboo trail. At this point, Sarah turns and brilliantly dares me to touch one of the gentle giants.
Let’s revise the scene. I’m looking deep into the soul-less eyes of this mean muthaf***a. Steel ring through his nostrils, razor-sharp horns gleaming in the blazing sun, this bull is not to be effed with. And yet, for reasons still unknown, I rise to the occasion, reach out and give the white devil a gentle pat on his velvety snout. To be fair, he was smaller than the average bear. Ahem, bull.
To sum up, bulls do not like to be touched. Not when they’re sleeping, not when they’re grazing, not ever. Let that be a lesson to you city folk everywhere. My short life flashed before my eyes as he started, thought about goring me, and then had a last-minute change of heart. Thus, I was fortunately not turned into human shish kabob.
Brushes with death aside, we moved on to confront the river. The “rapids” and rafting were chill. We repped for the Commonwealth with 2 Brits, an Aussie and us in our little boat. Cruising down the river, we also took out the passing boat of Germans with our paddles on the way by. That’s never happened before… After, the guide transfers us to a 25 ft bamboo raft and we’re on our own for the last bit of the trip. Mostly uneventful but how often do you get to ride a bamboo raft so it was cool enough.
And that was it for Chiang Mai.
Would’ve been cooler to stay longer but we had to get to southern Thailand cause Sarah wanted to spend a week on the beach. We decided not to fly back so night train it was. That was all good except I felt like I was sleeping in a space ship. Nothin wrong with that.
Back to Bangkok for a day and then another night train to endless beaches in the south baby.
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